Snowed In…I Ain’t Mad About It

Watercolor on paper Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Watercolor on paper Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Now, if I was one of those folk stuck on the highway, I would’ve been crying mad. I did feel bad for those folk out there. I can’t imagine being out there like that. Running outta gas. No food. No heat. No nothing. Folk have really shown the best side of humanity by helping them out though. There was a school bus that got stuck in a neighborhood and folk took food out to the kids.

I’ve been sitting at home, trying to learn a new software, blogging, eating, plotting out concepts, talking on the phone, watching TV and cleaning the kitchen. We should be good to go by Monday, right? I mean, we messed up down here but I don’t reckon we’re that messed up. Then again, I ‘spect we are, being on the national news with the Atlanta mayor arguing with the anchor woman. She was hostile but he wasn’t backing down none. Like, he should’ve said it was a massive screw-up like the governor did.

I fault employers for that too though. I mean, what happened with that? The same information that was available to the powers that be was available to the employers too. I could be wrong but like the mayor, I won’t admit it on account that I don’t think I am.

I’m gonna get some painting/drawing done now. Shoot. Gotta get myself a swallow of water too. My throat’s dry as the Arizona desert.

Short Illustrative Film

I’m experimenting while I marinate on how to do some other stuff going in my head. See, what happened was, my film is supposed to have folk actually talking with all these neat voices and whatnot. Though, I have this cousin, and you may have one too, who says he’s gonna hook you up and soon as you text him, he’s fallen off the planet.

Anyhow, I had to hook myself up. Know what I mean? I’ve got the day off tomorrow to play around since it’s snowing down here and whatnot. Anyhow (I say that a lot, don’t I?), stay warm and curl up with a popcorn to enjoy my first movie. Hehehee!

Making the Cut

makingthe cut

It’s Grammy time, people and I am in the mix. As is such, I’m going Dutch, though I do plan on snatching up a single and available tux in the crowd, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, one artist who won’t be in attendance is Justin Bieber. He’s dealing with legal and emotional issues at present. No, we do not want him driving anywhere. What I would like to see, Justin, is you enrolled in How to Be A Human Being without Money Whose Got Some Sense 101. Yes, I know you’re young and rich but this does not justify or excuse your behavior. You are putting lives other than your own at risk and any person who’s not so self-absorbed as you are knows this. Please, get a grip and stop acting as if the world owes you something. Pay for the help you need, so I can scandalize other people in Hollywood, okay?

Jennifer, as in Aniston, when is the wedding, darling?  The nation wants America’s sweetheart to tie the knot. I read that Fiance dumped you and then I recently read that you two secretly married. I don’t think you did and I need you to do me the favor of making the nuptials public in a massive way, so the rag papers will stop making you appear so fractured since your divorce from Brad. Aren’t you simply tired of the stories? You’re becoming more famous for the divorce than for your acting abilities. I just don’t hear much about this skillset you’re supposed to have.

Well people, the cameras are flashing and I need to sashay down the red carpet in this svelte red and purple number that I can barely breathe in. The work it takes to be fabulous can be as painful as it is costly. Stay or get beautiful, whichever is applicable to you, okay? I’ll see you at the after party…Oh, you weren’t invited. Pooh!

Always fabulous,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Mommy Blogging

"To the Market" Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“To the Market” Acrylic on Paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

I’m  finally gonna  do some decorating around the house this year. While I’m an artist, I have no decorating skills. NONE. I’m eclectic in taste but I have no idea how to apply this to decorating an entire house. The thought of messing it all up scares me, so what have I done? Nothing. I’m somewhat of a minimalist. Overcrowding spaces make me nervous, so I’m trying to figure it all out as I move toward the empty nest.

Little Totsy will be making her way into the adult world and I’m kinda happy about that. I mean, she’s driven to be successful and has always been self-motivated. I NEVER had to ask her, “Did you do your homework?” She’s a pretty good cook and has tutored classmates in math to help them pass the course to graduate on time. Her math teacher, from China, says she wishes all of her students were like my Little Totsy. Folks, I wasn’t at all surprised she said sucha thing. And did I mention she’s been pre-selected for the Miss America Pageant? Why, she could knock Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks and all them off the runway with her gorgeousness. She can sing, dance and act. I’m talking Oscar and Grammy material, folks. She has so many options with all her talent and whatnot but I think she’s going in the direction of nuclear science.

Anyway. I was talking about decorating. But did I tell you my son, Mr. Boy, who calls himself Masta Unk, can fix computers and never been to school for it? He can repair cars the same way. He’s so brilliant, why President Obama invited him to be a part of the space program to invent all kindsa foods folks can eat without gaining a single pound. Or get sick. I have him on Skype in his lab right now, and he’s near done with inventing a pill to keep folk alive forever. You should see him in his lab coat. He has my infectious smile…Ahhh…. Did I tell you he’s a certified chef and flies all over the world to whip up gourmet dishes? Well, I mean before he got into making this magic pill. Oh my, I should’ve brought the photo albumsssss.

But back to the decorating…I have no idea where to start.

Laughing: A Cure-All for What Ails You

Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Laughing is not only therapeutic, it can make you lose inches from your waistline. You may have to find multiple things to laugh at or recall what’s been funny to you in the past. It’s not all the time necessary to work out hard in the gym. Besides, laughing is free. There’s no contract involved and one thing for sure, you won’t have to decide whether to do it or not or drive anywhere to do it. It’s a natural way to lose those inches without the ‘No pain, no gain’ motto.

Laughing also is a temporary cure for depression and loneliness. I know it’s hard to laugh at anything when you’re in this state  of mind but you have to do something to bring yourself outta this. Laughing frees your brain from being clogged up with bad thoughts. Folk will often join in if you have a hearty laugh, whether they know what you’re laughing about or not. You can make friends this way, if you laugh from the gut. Thus, become less lonely. You should stop laughing, however, after five minutes or folk are gonna think you’ve lost your mind. Look at your watch and wind down your laughing at about four minutes. If, however, you’re alone, which you very well may be, laugh as long as you want but Lordy mercy, don’t you dare cry afterwards. Should you cry, please see your family physician and get yourself a prescription for some happy pills.

Laughing is also a way to flush out your kidneys if something is side-splitting funny. I don’t advise you to drink a lotta liquids, unlessen you absolutely need flushing out that bad. Though, you may wanna be careful ’cause you could very well flush out the back end too. Know what I mean? I don’t think you want that, especially if you’re visiting folks or sitting on the bench at the mall. Yeah, be real careful about that, with folk carrying camera phones and whatnot. You absolutely wouldn’t wanna go viral in that fashion.

Be Inspired

"The Ensemble" Color Pencil, Sharpie and Bic Pen on Paper Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“The Ensemble” Color Pencil, Sharpie and Bic Pen on Paper Copyright 2014 Totsymae

I’ve accomplished a lotta resolutions already. While I made them about five years ago, they’re still accomplishments worth noting. It also means that I didn’t forget I owed myself and says something about my stick-to-it-ness. I’m like that little ole ant determined to move the rubber tree plant or The Little Engine That Could. That being said, I’m thinking of writing a book of affirmations. I just love being inspired, no matter that I forget what I’m inspired to do.

Anyway, I feel very qualified to author in this genre on account of being like most folk in the world. I like giving advice I fall short on abiding by myself. Not that my readers would know this. Unless they read this blog. And they should, if they wanna know what inspired me to write such a book, being that it’s coming from an honest place…Not that I remember why I wanna write the book…Hmmm…Oh yeah, I’m that little ole ant.

Anyhow, again. I could say things like ‘Set your clock early.’ From there, I could tell them to hit snooze only once, which I honestly never do since I’m a morning person. I’d then go on to tell folk to roll outta that bed and brush them teeth before they set the world afire. In a bad way. I’d  tell them to put one leg in their pants at a time. It’s tough for some folk to get up and running, or walking, for that matter.  On the other hand, who knows? Some folk may have an ingenious way of putting their pants on, with all the developments in technology and what have you. Maybe their cell phone puts them on with the touch of a button.  Heck, folk are getting lazier by the minute and controlled by all manner of gadgets these days, you know.

I don’t think I’d like to have my phone in that much control. Like, helping to dress and undress me. What if it’s lost, which has no code, and somebody finds it? That person may get to pressing buttons if I’m hanging out in the mall or by some miracle, I could be in church. Can you imagine? Being that it’s such a smart phone, it can’t be reported lost if found. What if I somehow made it home, thinking that’s where I lost it and it’s not there. I’d be bound to the house. Worst yet, say after being bound for so long, I go borrow a cuppa sugar from my single male neighbor on the right side of me, whom I never visit. It would be my luck for somebody to press a button just as he opens the door.  Maybe this very blog post could inspire somebody to invent such a thing. Though, I certainly hope it wouldn’t be at my expense.

Demand to Get Paid What You’re Worth

"Happenstance No. 1" Mixed Media on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“Happenstance No. 1” Mixed Media on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

I should be super uber rich, with all the jobs I have. After running down the list and giving a brief description of my duties, you tell me if I should have deep pockets…

Phone Consultant/Comedienne – I call my elderly aunt who’s kinda housebound on account of her taking care of her housebound husband. I tell lies and the truth to entertain her at least twice a week. I’m not sure if my check for doing this should come from her social security check or the government. While I’d do this for free anyway, I got to thinking and feel entitled to compensation in some tangible way. I mean, I crack her up and she often tells me she needed that. With me lowering her blood pressure and whatnot, I’m actually due a retro check and those are always nice. I also give her advice or at least make information clear and logical about matters she hadn’t considered. Am I due or what?

Poet/Rapper/Songwriter – Now, this is a fairly recent gig of mine. As of yesterday actually. But my daughter, Little Totsy, heard my rap song and she…Well, she didn’t exactly say I should put it on  Amazon.com for download or anything close to that but I put in so much time and figured out the beats. It takes a lotta energy to go to that creative place and since it was such a learning curve, I feel like, while I may or not get paid for it in my lifetime, somebody will see my words on paper as valuable. Don’t you think that about your writing? See, makes all the sense in the world to you now.

Walker – I do this all day on the job, helping folk. I know, you say that’s part of the job, but my walking is excessive. I must walk about five miles a day. That’s dedication, folks. Walking was not in the job description and my feet need extra care these days.

Trash Collector/Green Artist – I collect all manner of things to repurpose them in some artistic way. I’m saving the earth and beautifying it at the same time. Whoever collects newspapers, bottle caps and all those other things I could run down the list, I have to go to their homes to collect them. They can actually save money on recycling ’cause I’ll take just about anything.

I’m also a TV Watcher, Grass Cutter (seasonal, of course), Junk Mail Recipient, Patient Driver, Line Waiter (at the store when buying things), Listener (both consciously and as a bypasser), Hanger Upper (on telemarketers), Non-Nagger (even in times when I should) and well, the list won’t stop but I will anyhow.

I don’t know where all this money should come from  and it really doesn’t matter since all of what I’m doing is legal. Should I quit all these jobs, who’s going to replace me and do it as well? I mean, I feel like I’ve made an impression in a way that I’d be at least somewhat missed. I’m so clear about that. What do you think? Are you putting in work you should be getting paid for?

Ring, Ring…It’s Beatrice from Apartment 7B, People

beatrice on phone

“Beatrice in Action” Color pencil on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Thank you so much for holding while I finished that phone call. When you’re in hot demand, like myself, you simply have to tell people no sometimes. Denzel, and I won’t say his last name, can be so annoying sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still fine and fabulous but so am I, okay?…At least he sounded like the real thing but never mind that. I’m not in the business of discrediting how fabulous I am.

It is absolutely freezing here in the ATL, people. The wind is blowing so hard, it’s almost as fierce as I am. As I stepped a stiletto onto the foyer to get out of the elements, Denzel rang me up as if he’s familiar. As he should be but anyway, he called, wanted to swing by as if I’m some holler back girl. Naturally, I said no because I’m only a last minute kind of girl when I’m doing the dropping in, okay?

Anyway, it’s come to my understanding that Porscha, from the Real Housewives, is getting the boot after two seasons. I’m so happy for the people who watch that show to see you go, Porscha. Now, that you’re divorced, is your last name changing to Ditz, because you don’t know too much about anything. What school graduated you, hon? And not to offend blonds but Porscha darling, were you that black chick meeting the quota to attend Dumb Blond University? I mean, really! You’ve not only set education back to a time where black people couldn’t be formally educated in America, you have our ancestors rolling over and questioning if their struggle was for naught. Maybe that’s why it’s so cold outside. Yes, I’m going to blame you for my well-pedicured toes still unthawing after 15 minutes of being in the house.

People, I’m done here. Have a look for yourself. I’m going to get with my people and see if I can track down this woman’s number because I owe her a slap. Stay beautiful. I know I will.

Forever yours and Denzel’s,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Beatrice on Blast, Under the Bus and Similar Arrangements

Illustration and Cover Design by Tosh Fomby

Illustration and Cover Design by Tosh Fomby  Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Yes, I’ve been caught in a somewhat compromising position. I have my very own paparazzi, as in Totsy, that is. You see, when you’re shooting for fame, being fabulous alone isn’t enough. You have to start your own fire and pour lighter fluid into it, okay? However, I was totally unaware she put me under such a small microscope.

Now, I was well aware of the photo of me in the red hat, alright? But the other two…Oh, my…What I’ve been doing in the dark has caught up and showing my backside. All praises to my parents’ DNA for a firm derriere and Burlington Coat Factory for that fantastic sale on Black Friday. You feel me? I have never snatched anything out of anyone’s hands so fast. While I suffered a slight abrasion to the head, it was so well worth it, don’t you think, people?

Rewind this back to my own paparazzi, if you will. Aren’t you past tired and curious as to why Alec Baldwin is constantly harassed by them? Well, word on the streets is that he’s calling them. Alec, I used to be so crazy about you. The way you’ve been carrying on, I’m starting to wonder if I was crazy to entertain such a crush. Maybe this temper you have turns the little wifey on but the viewers are going to turn you off if you don’t start taking your meds, Booboo. You’re so ridiculous, Alec and well…look at those photos of me. I look too fine and luscious to be talking about your silly antics.

As for these photos, Totsy blackmailed me and I’m now under the gun of exploitation, which is a typical element of the Hollywood trade, right Chris Jenner? From one business woman to another, I respect that particular skill you have on some level but I am so ready for your family to get off the air. All of you have gotten on my nerves, so it’s time for you to go, okay? Please. I’d say I’ll give you five dollars to go away but I know you’d take it and money’s tight right now. And oh,  Bruce, don’t have your Adam’s apple shaven. You’re already looking like the girls. Albeit, an old girl but if you follow through on that procedure, Chris is going to botox and pimp you too. You feel me?

Anyway, I’m committed to flaunting my fabulousness at an undisclosed location.  I’m booked and, as you well know, forever hooked on the grapevine of Hollywood. If the pay is good, I’ll put you and your hood on blast too, baby.

Forever and Always,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B aka Queen of the Scoop

9 Rules on How to be Fabulous in 2014

Mixed Ancestry

“Mixed Ancestry” Fiber Art. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

1. Carry breath mints.

2. Produce more than you consume.

3. Never go for seconds at the dinner table. The food will be there tomorrow. In other words, refer back to rule number 2.

4. Listen more. Talk less. Stock up with superglue, if needed. (Masking tape will work also but it may cause public humiliation.)

5. Get over what it is you’re not over. Staying where you are stunts your growth and eventually folk will not wanna be bothered with you.

6. Wear clothing fit for your body type, sex and age, not somebody else’s. Transvestites are exempt, however.

7. Mind your business.

8. Limit Facebook statuses. Nobody cares as much as you do anyhow.

9. Stop pretending. However, if you’re faking it ’til you make it and haven’t made it yet, cry yourself to sleep at night and start putting a Plan B or C in place.