International Church of Bey(once)

Google Image

Google Image

This is Totsy, reporting the evening news. And this is a hot mess off the press, folks. I need you to sit down and put your feet up for this.

Over the weekend, I learned there’s a church down here that worships Beyonce. So far, only 203 women folk have joined. No men yet but if somebody can think of such foolishness, then a man may wind up giving his life over to Beyonce too. Should you men folk decide to uproot and head thisaway to join up, you will have to give up your manhood. I don’t know what all that entails and being a news reporter, I can’t tell you which way to think. I reckon that means wearing a Single Ladies’ outfit with heels and shooting videos. I don’t rightly know, so I’ll leave it up to you to ask. I also recognize some men folk wouldn’t mind this sorta thing atall, so go for what you know or don’t.

Now, should you decide on confessing your love for Divine Diva Bey, as she’s called in this church, your denomination is Beyism, not Foolishism or Crapism, okay? You’re just as legitimate as Scientology, I reckon and I ain’t judging. This is as real as toe jam. Check the link out for yourself.

Thank you for tuning in to the ridiculousness I find myself reporting to you today. I just thought you should know if your soul is on the lost-and-don’t-know-if-it’s-gonna-be-found side. Know that your restless spirit has a place at the International Church of Foolery, I mean, Beyonce.

 

The Wild, Wild South

"You Want This" Watercolor/Ink on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“You Want This” Watercolor/Ink on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

It’s getting crazy down here, folks. Not only is it about to get hot down south but on July 1st, folk will be able to carry a gun anywhere they want. To school. The grocery store. To church. You name it, we can take it.

In addition, where I’m at, we’ve long time had a Stand Your Ground law in place. You know what that means. Sitting right above Florida, with George Zimmerman stalking about, there’re gonna be some gun-toting fools around here just like him.

You see, our governor is for death, not life. He rejected legalizing medical marijuana for children who have multiple seizures per day. Put a big, red X on the bill the very day those parents were begging and begging for their children to have some quality of life. And you know what happened today? A husband cut the fool ’cause his wife filed for divorce Monday. He wasn’t having no wife of his upping and leaving his fool self, so he saw fit to load up and go after her. She’s the Assistant D.A., okay? Know what happened next? He took a gun to himself, like his twin spirit did the other day.

Do understand, if you’ve got an ounce of sense, you can pretend you’ve got two and get a gun permit. What’s gonna happen on Black Friday? Or when that road-rager is bumped in traffic on a day he’s just been fired? Or when I’m cleaning house and turn up the volume on my stereo ’cause I’m so happy…

Standing Ground to Keep the One You Love

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Folks, today, I’m  gonna report the news on what’s happening down south. Picture this. Me on your TV screen talking  just like this, reporting the 6:00 news…

On Monday, a man was all broken up ’cause his woman left him. His time had expired in her life and she was moving down a different road without him. He wasn’t doing right and she wasn’t having it, more than likely. Folks, he was too through about this. I mean he was so through, he put it in his mind to follow her to the mall and have it out with her. Oh yeah, he was gonna cut the fool like he’d never done before, you hear me?

Well, she’d just done her shopping and what have you and heading to her car. His no count self approached her and got to yelling and whatnot. Just raising all kindsa hell. Folks were looking all around and next thing you know, a POW POW POW shot into the air and landed in that woman’s body. It was an awful sight, witnesses say, but all they could do was call 911.

This fool-cutter, we’ll now call him, who did the shooting, left like not a darn thing had ever happened. Got in his ride and drove away like any other day. You hear me?

To conclude this unfortunate story, the woman fought real hard but not too long ’cause she passed on yesterday. I’m real sure she left loved ones behind. And it so happens this fella did too. You see, he went to an even darker place inside himself. Had all them swirling emotions riding his tail and it was all, way too much. He drove to a spot, where nobody was around to intercept ending his life in peace. Now, folks wanna know why he didn’t do that before he shot that woman. And folk ponder that every time a story like this happens, which happens real often, you know.

True story, folks. Happened the other day.

 

 

 

 

The Very Bad, Worst Thing of All

A post that makes you go hmmm….

See, there's this thing called biology...

choclate

I often think of unrequited love as being the most awful thing ever, all that angst and misery,
the drowning of sorrows in chocolate ice cream, like a rather futile attempt to sweeten the
bitterness. When it comes to the human capacity for melodrama
nothing is more inspiring than, “he loves me, he loves me not.” Girls tend to sink into it more,
eating everything in the refrigerator, downing boxes of wine, sub-texting passive/ aggressive
diddies on face book. Or, for a more elegant touch, throwing all his clothes out on
the front lawn and setting them on fire.

Men are no slouches in the melodrama department either, although they tend to perceive themselves
as more dignified in their despair, as if it is not quite as pathetic to be downing shots of whiskey
and texting your alleged indifference to random strangers on the internet.

Unrequited love however, is nothing but…

View original post 431 more words

It’s A Social Media Jungle Out There

"So N Love" Oil Pastel. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“So N Love” Oil Pastel. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Folks, I finally got a Pinterest account. It was nothing like getting a credit or background check but I tell you folks, seems like that would be easier. I got a Facebook page I don’t halfway use. Luckily, the posts here automatically go there ’cause I’mma tell you the truth. Once I say what I want on this blog, I’ve said all I’m pretty much gonna say all day. Nobody needs to be able to locate where I’m Facebooking or Pinteresting from either. Oh, and don’t forget about my Twitter and Youtube accounts. Not to mention the email accounts. It’s driving me to snack. Now. Ask me if I remember any of the passwords. I get lucky, is all.

I used to have a Stumble On account but I didn’t like it. I can’t remember why. Somebody invited me to Klout and who in their right mind doesn’t want to have klout. Me, that’s who. I mean, it’s all too much. I have a life to live. It’s a social media jungle out there. When I first started with all this networking, I was on them fairly often. Facebook had its uses when I was in Saudi Arabia but now that I’m here, I don’t bother with it.

You know, I feel like I’m trying to keep up with the Joneses or be in some social club I wasn’t built for. And there are constant reminders of doom that if you’re not connected in these savvy ways, you may as well crawl under a rock and put your cave gear on. Well, I’m gonna keep my gear laundered and in the closet in case there’s another looming threat like Y2K.  Don’t laugh, you may just see me on the Yahoo list of  Who’s Trending Now.

 

 

 

 

Striking A Pose: Trailer 2.0

I’m slowly but surely pulling it all together with Beatrice. I finally came to a point of getting her to look how I and she wanna look, so we’re gonna do this thing with some sass and class, folks. Prior to premiering the comic strip this summer, I hope to be able to share other starring cast members, if time allows. I’ll make guest appearances. I think. I’m not real decisive about that. Maybe I’ll steal one of your pics to make you a part of the strip…Now that I say it, that sounds like a winner to me. Hmmm…who shall be the unlucky blogger picked for this….

In the meantime, in preparing Beatrice for the big stage, she had a photo shoot done. You can say this is the second trailer for the strip, only with different pictures. I kinda knew but didn’t know the extent of work needed for this type of project. Being this is my first comic strip ever, I’m deliberating on whether to show it in the traditional format or the way I did the trailer. It’s all experimental, so I may try both. Maybe you can let me know what works best. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beyonce, Gaga and Wendy…Let’s Talk

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Don’t hate that I don’t dream of a white Christmas but The Bea is dreaming of Johnny Depp. It’s the only way I could pull this advertisement off. A girl has to do what a girl has to do, okay? I love this man and if there was a telepathic signal between us, he’d love all this lusciousness too. But on with the scoop.

People, are you at all surprised Beyonce’s photoshopping herself? I didn’t know you had that kind of time, B. With all of these contracts and engagements you have to fulfill for the Illuminati, who knew. You’ve got yourself some skills, girl. I can’t deny you that. And a little more self-obsessed than I gave you credit for. It’s hard for anybody to get their foot in the door. Namely, me. You are truly a girl who won’t be interrupted, even after birthing a child. You’ve done everything besides advertise toilet paper and tooth picks.

Gaga, can we talk? Why are people vomiting on you on stage? That has nothing to do with art and everything to do with desperation. Or maybe mental illness. I don’t know what you’re going through other than to say Hollywood is probably kicking your behind for you to deliver that as art to your audience. You’re gross, okay? Just do what Miley’s doing and take your clothes off. But oh, you have to be so different.

And Wendy Williams. Girrrrrrl. What’s with your husband in the store buying another woman shoes? Baby, you’re in the wrong business at this point in time of your life. You need to step aside and let The Bea ride this gravy train, okay? To the left, girlfriend. Had I known hubby enjoyed shoe shopping, I’d have emailed him my shoe and dress size, because I know he outfitted that woman. Though, shopping is all he can do for me, alright? I do not want you coming at me, Mrs. Wendy. I’m a big girl but you’re even bigger. Matter of fact, I take back what I said. Forget I mentioned any of this, okay?

Well people, I shall not keep you any longer because you’re getting no younger, unlike myself, alright? Besides, I have a continuation dream to conclude of Johnny. Ahhhhh…

 

Keeping You In the Know,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

Pretty Wings

 

"Maxwell" Watercolor on paper

“Maxwell” Watercolor on paper

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.

Albert Einstein

Where, Oh Where, Has Halle’s Man Gone?

Beatrice's Diva's Wall © Totsymae 2014

Beatrice’s Diva Wall © Totsymae 2014

Bonjour, lovelies. If you’re not enjoying spring, have a fling with life. Get off the couch, being a slouch and live. I realize I’ve a lot to say but that’s my job. Volunteer or otherwise, I take blowing hot air into the universe very seriously. Amen. Where, oh where is a good piece of gossip when you need it? Just call 1-800-The-Bea, alright?

What am I juiced up with this fine day? Halle. There’s only one and girl, you know I’d have to get around to you sooner and not too much later. Look Halle Baby, I mean Berry, what exactly is going on with you? I’m beginning to believe, exterior beauty aside, something is deeply and darkly wrong with your not being able to keep a man. They are fleeing all over the place. I’m not making fun. Not at all. My utmost concern is for the children. If you need to call me, I’ll install a therapeutic line specifically for you, girlfriend. It’s all good because I’ll accept PayPal and Bill Me Later, alright? I’m all about making it convenient to collect that ching, ching. Don’t get it twisted. High five…

And no, Barbara Walters, I didn’t forget about you either. You’re the priestess of journalism but I have to say, we, the public, are so okay with you leaving. We won’t cry. I’m not sure why you felt the need to announce your retirement a year early. Who does that? We don’t care as much as you think but we’ve enjoyed you. Yay, yay. Congratulations but bye, girl. I’m gunning for your seat on The View. Speaking of the show, Jenny, are you trying to look studious with those glasses? Get the contacts, girl. You’re doing too much. While you may be smart, we really don’t care. If you were covering the evening news, I’d give you a pass but being on The View, I feel it’s necessary to stop you at the door, okay?

Siiiiiigh. I’m out of breath and bursting at the seams, people. I mean, literally. This dress I purchased from Target is smaller than I thought. After eating two Dunkin Donuts, that is. I do declare, what’s a girl to wear to look fashionable these days. I could install a third line to call myself at 1-800-Too-Fine-To-Fit but I’m real okay with that. You feel me? And so, I shall leave you with that sexy image of me in your head because enough has been said, alright?

 

So Utterly Delicious,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

Less Talk, More Music and Art

I’m trying to stay warm this fine spring of 2014. It’s cold down here, folks. Though, I won’t spend  so much time yacking. Beatrice did enough of that all for us both yesterday.

Well, just so you know, the artwork in the video is very different from what you’ve ever seen me do. I was quite fascinated with art created by Australian Aboriginals. Instead of using paint, I opted for oil pastel. I do like the effect of the paint much better but I’m okay with what I produced. This process actually became rather addictive and I’m not an addict by any means. Or so I thought.

Anyhow, less talk. More music and art.

 

Wherefore Art the Romeos?

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Don’t laugh, people. But you do realize I’m on my way to being the next Hollywood It girl. Joining the circus was and has never been a part of the game plan. People, I’m currently on the road with Barnum and Bailey. AND. I’M. NOT. FEELING. THIS. If the air keeps blowing the scent of elephant dung in my direction, I swear on my Louis Vuitton handbag, I’m going to strangle myself. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows the trouble I’ve seen. This is what happens when you acquisition an agent from Craig’s List, okay? People, I was stuck like Chuck walking across that tightrope. Neither Denzel nor Patrick Dempsey were there to catch me if I fell. Where, oh where, is a strong, fine man to wrap his arms around you when you need one?

I think Katy Perry asks herself that question a lot. Now, why she pulled John Mayer  and that ex of hers from the bottom of the Hollywood barrel, I haven’t figured out, other than the fact that she’s not man-smart. Katy, if you’d close your eyes just a tad, because you always look really surprised to me, I think you’d pick better. Stop going for men you have to fix, honey. I know you’ve got religion you grew up with but you’re beating dead horses, sweetie and you don’t want murder charges on your record. Let them GO. Matter of fact, give yourself time to air out. Don’t be like Jennifer Lopez. Let’s call her J. Lay because you can always count on something to be up and….Let’s leave it at that. Forgive me, I’m a Christian woman, people. The line is oh so delicately thin in this line of work.

And poor Jennifer. Aniston, that is. First, we hear it’s off and now, the wedding’s back on. Let us all bow our heads in prayer for Jennifer replacing Brad this June with a new hubby. It’s been a rough and rocky road for you, girlfriend. The struggle is so real, isn’t it? Ahem, cough…Let the bloggers say Amen, Amen and Aaaaaaamen. That ought to seal the deal for you, girlfriend. That’s how we do it down south, okay?

Well, to all you manless women, stay strong. Raise your fist but I tell you this, you’d better have a clean shave under there, alright? Life is short and made even shorter when you settle for anything. And that’s my belated womanly advice for you to conclude this celebration of Women’s History Month. And so, verily verily I say unto you people, The Bea is oh, so fabulous, even in a size plus, okay? Snap, snap baby. I’m out.

Divalisciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

On Being Grateful

Watercolor on paper

Watercolor on paper

You won’t believe how ecstatically ecstatic I am. No, I didn’t get picked up by a literary agent…Uh uh. Neither have I won the lottery or the showcase on The Price is Right…Okay, nevermind guessing…I’m off for the next week and a half. I’m gonna kick my heels up, throw my shoes out the window and I hope I don’t hit anybody in the process.

I know you wish you were me right now. Or maybe not. I’m just glad to be me right now. I couldn’t say that 100% an hour ago but I’m cool now. I hear the fish tank running, the clock ticking, and birds chirping outside my window. It gets no better than that, folks. Well, it does, a whole lot better in fact, but I’m gonna be grateful for what I got going now, okay?

Like, I could be stuck on the side of the highway with a flat tire while 18-wheelers have my ride trembling as they whiz past. Or I could be lost in the woods. Why I would be in the woods, I don’t know but it happens to folks, okay? Or, I could be choking like crazy from scarfing down that veggie pizza I just ate but all I can say is all praises to a good slice of pizza that hit the right spot, you feel me?

Well folk, I ain’t gonna keep rubbing my off time in your face. If you gotta punch the clock come Monday morning, be glad for the hand you have to punch it with, okay?