It’s All About Relations

Color pencil on paper

Color pencil on paper

Good Sunday, people. My, oh my, have I missed spilling the juice with you. I just stepped out of my Sunday’s best after a good hallelujah at church. I was there praying for a healing of sort to cease this special column I do on Totsy’s blog but the Word came to me to simply be myself and use my gift for gab. You feel me, people? The Bea is back and I could absolutely smack myself for wasting that prayer. Anywho…

I spent last weekend with Mariah Carey, the diva herself, and I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was. I ended up leaving her and looks like Nick has too. Or well, maybe she put on a stiletto and kicked him out. Who knows, really. I say ouch to the latter and to the former, Nick is about to start living with a little excitement. He’s such a big kid anyway. Don’t be surprised if you see a tall, black gentleman at Mickey D’s in that big play pin, rolling and tumbling with those balls your kids love so much. Don’t worry. He’s not a pedophile. It’s just Nick living out the childhood he missed after being married to Mama Carey.

Summer is drawing to a close and I’ve searched the highways and byways but still, no sign of a Jennifer Aniston wedding. Just so you know, Jen, you are in my prayers, girl. Word has come down from Brad Pitt’s psychic that he’s still in love with you. If the feeling is mutual, don’t even think about it. Please. All those kids and community property between Angie and Brad, there’s no way he could spread enough love your way for the headache you’re guaranteed to have. If Justin doesn’t make an honest woman of you, I’ll extend an invite to my church. Now, the deacon is on the short and fairly stubby side but he’s an established man with a big heart. Come on down, girlfriend. I’m all about the hook-up.

I understand Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have called off their three-year relationship. In all honesty Meg, I didn’t know you were seeing anybody. You kind of fell off the map when you divorced but that’s not uncommon for divorced women. I’ve tried to figure out what drew you two together in the first place and I can only conclude it was that unkempt way you both have. Maybe you got tired of him not picking up after himself or vice versa. I tell you what, call Jennifer and maybe you all can get a 2 for 1 flight through my church so you can find some good men down south, girl. Deacon Ball plays the tambourine, drums and fiddles on his porch at night. Such a talented man, I figure a woman like yourself could appreciate such skills.

Well dear people, that’s the juice for this fine day. I’m going to enjoy this late evening sun and Skype Francois at sundown. He’s so high maintenance, missing the Bea. He cries in French even. Until next time, peace to the wretched. Walk in love while keeping your ear out for the juice, people.

 

Forever and Truly Yours,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

 

Freshly Fabulous

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Good day, people. I’m here on the beach because I had a photo shoot, which I wanted to share. While some of you are working, and do count your blessings that you’re able, I’m going to enjoy kicking up sand for you and me, okay? I don’t mind at all. Anything leisure I can do on your behalf, put it in the comment box below.

After leaving the beach, I have a shopping appointment with my stylist. That would be Totsy (rolling eyes). My agent, you know, the one I got off Craig’s List, has booked me for an audition on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am way past prepared to act a fool. You hear me? I’d be a Real Housewife any day than be Tori Spelling.

Tori, you’re going through some really awful stuff! I feel sorry for you and I NEVER feel sorry for rich people. Girl, you are so miserable in your marriage. In your life. However will you resolve this? I hope that show you and Jenny Garth have coming this summer is a success. That would be a good distraction for you. You NEED a distraction. Plus, I really like Jenny. Now, what I’d like to ask, Tori, because I’m quite perplexed…That time you were being filmed by the paparazzi and you were yelling for them to get the cameras off of you, what’s up with that? Can you spell reality show?

Yes, Dean cheated on you. It happens to a lot of women, girl. You, unfortunately, weren’t exempt from a husband’s infidelity. Now, my sources tell me the two of you got together while he was married to his former wife, which confuses me even more. What went around recycled back to you. Stop it with all of this devastation on the TV screen. What I feel sorry for is that you don’t get what I get and I don’t think you ever will.

Verily, verily I say unto you, people, don’t give what you can’t take. As always, I have enjoyed our visitation but I must, as we say in the south, get the mule out of the corn. While I look ravishing in this swimwear, it is crawling into some undesirable places all on its own, okay?

 

Divaliciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damsel in Deep Distress

bea on phone

What ever will she think of next? I am too beautiful to withstand this kind of humiliation from Totsy. Yet, here I am with my very own paparazzi. Where is a good and dear friend when you need one? I assure you, it sure isn’t her. Get in the driver’s seat and hit me with a bus, so that Denzel can save me, people. I am a damsel in deep distress as I look at this image of myself…Uuuuuuh…Fainting.

I was intending to talk about Sherri Shephard’s pending divorce and how her husband is filing for custody of their unborn surrogate child, while her ex-hubby is filing for custody of the son they have together and wondering why Sherri married her current husband without checking his work credentials, which, to my findings, he doesn’t have very much of any in the entertainment industry as he and Sherri led her to believe, because get this people, he isn’t working at all and apparently, does very little to nothing around the house. Catching breath…

Also, according to my sources, Sherri signed a prenuptial agreement that she would disburse $60,000 from her account should they divorce. Now, while Sal, the estranged hubby is slightly on the lazy side, I must also say he’s very low budget too, okay? Well, being a woman who was confused and ready to marry, Sherri signed the agreement but Sal is fighting to overthrow everything he agreed to because guess what, he wants more, of course.

Why, I’m just as confounded as Sherri as to why she didn’t check her resources since she’s doing it with all the people she talks about on The View. What a huge egg on her face. It’s akin to your dress ripping in two as you’re walking down the red carpet and catching a breeze on your backside with cameras flashing, only to see it advertised at the grocery store in a free magazine that sells used cars and…If it can happen to me, it can happen to you too, okay?

Anyway, Sherri. Take a slow ride down the aisle to matrimony on your third go-around.

 

Hardest Working Woman on the ATL Strip,

Beatrice from Apt. 7B

 

A Diamond in the Blogging Rough

Beatrice. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Beatrice. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Dear beloveds, I’m slowly and most surely, building my reputation of being the juicy girl with the juice. Keep hanging with The Bea and thou shalt never thirst for gossip. Drink from my cup and be quenched, okay? Snap, snap, split. OUCH!

I, people, am so fabulous, I’m going to be a contributing writer for  The Single Sexy Mommy. While I’m not a Mommy, I am sexy but I don’t have to tell you twice. You’ve seen the pictures, people. Need I post more photos to jog the fog of your memory? I didn’t think so. Plus, I don’t want a traffic jam to crash Totsy’s little site. 

Yes, people, a star has been born. My mouth will perhaps be worn from digging and scooping the dirt. You feel me? I shall probably die wrapped in tabloids, okay?  Snip, sew, snap, baby. Just keep me beautiful. Naturally, I shall keep you in the know. At present, I’m sending OWN an audition tape for my own reality show on men over 4o who wear jerseys and sagging pants. It’s going to be called What’s Up With That? Hey, if hoarders can get on TV with all that trash, certainly I can be a commentator for a topic as this.

In the meantime, toodles  to your noodles and blessed is the wretched. Just thought I’d throw that in since I went to church today via satellite TV, okay? Wide brimmed hat and all, I did that without the gas company ripping me off. The Bea is all about saving a dollar but you shall never holler at me from aisle three of a thrift store, okay?

So people, be sweet while I hit the street to bring you more of the latest.

 

 

Fabulously & Fantastically Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

 

 

Should Jada and Will Whip Their Belt Back and Forth?

"Red Bikini" Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

“Red Bikini” Acrylic on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

It’s a beautiful day to be gossip – ing

It’s a beautiful day to be gossip – ing

Would you be my

Would you be my…

You get the picture, alright? I’m stretching my talents to exhibit my vocal skills, people. I’ve enough music to publish a CD but I’m still tweaking my sound. You feel me? That chic named Yonce, Beyon or whatever she calls herself, better watch out for none other than The Bea. Work your game, girl because I’m about to twirl onto the world stage, Mrs. Carter. Therefore, let us swiftly forget about her and tune in to me, will you?

People, I have what I call a questionable and somewhat disturbing item of juice, gossip or what have you, to present. You see, I was on my way to work and got word, from a local station that is, that Willow Smith, the daughter of Will and Jada, is posting photos of concern on Instagram. Not that everybody’s not doing it already but hey, it so happens to be Willow this time. People are talking and naturally, I’m one of them.

smith9f-2-web

Willow, at 13, is lying between a man’s legs? and at the head of the bed, is a shirtless gentleman, age 20. Other than a very big smile on the face of the man, who’s said to be good friends with the Smiths, this is all we see. We could perceive it as art but it’s not in a museum or gallery, okay? It’s on a social network where ego and flesh meet. Because it’s where it is, we can assume any and everything we want.

Now, I don’t particularly care what the child posts since she’s not mine. But Jada thinks anyone who believes the photo is anything but innocent is a “covert pedophile.” Okay, Jada, I get that. But well, you weren’t in the company of your daughter and the family friend to confirm nothing took place prior to this photo. I’m just not certain when it’s ever appropriate for a child to be in bed with a 20-year old man, with what I assume, raging hormones. Jada, I’m not saying anything happened and I hope nothing did, I’m just curious as to your reply on that.

You see, Jada, when you responded to the paparazzi about the photo, I couldn’t discern if you were angry at Willow for posting it or the questions that I’m quite sure you knew would come. Based on my last documentation of Willow, she turned down the musical, Annie, because she wanted to enjoy being a kid. If you remember, Jada, Michael Jackson went to trial for being in bed with kids and we never saw photos to prove it actually happened. I mean, he said it but I’m wondering what happens to you or that man after this viral photo. Will Willow get a pass on this or what? People are very curious, particularly me, about your parenting style because I’m real sure a lot of children would love to be your child right about now.

While I could go on and on about this, I won’t. If you would though, Jada, hit the comment button to give my blogging community the scoop, which I’m all about on a 24/7 basis, okay? In the mean and tween time, I must toodle along. I’ve had a long day and while rest eludes me, beauty doesn’t, alright?

Curiously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Beyonce, Gaga and Wendy…Let’s Talk

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Don’t hate that I don’t dream of a white Christmas but The Bea is dreaming of Johnny Depp. It’s the only way I could pull this advertisement off. A girl has to do what a girl has to do, okay? I love this man and if there was a telepathic signal between us, he’d love all this lusciousness too. But on with the scoop.

People, are you at all surprised Beyonce’s photoshopping herself? I didn’t know you had that kind of time, B. With all of these contracts and engagements you have to fulfill for the Illuminati, who knew. You’ve got yourself some skills, girl. I can’t deny you that. And a little more self-obsessed than I gave you credit for. It’s hard for anybody to get their foot in the door. Namely, me. You are truly a girl who won’t be interrupted, even after birthing a child. You’ve done everything besides advertise toilet paper and tooth picks.

Gaga, can we talk? Why are people vomiting on you on stage? That has nothing to do with art and everything to do with desperation. Or maybe mental illness. I don’t know what you’re going through other than to say Hollywood is probably kicking your behind for you to deliver that as art to your audience. You’re gross, okay? Just do what Miley’s doing and take your clothes off. But oh, you have to be so different.

And Wendy Williams. Girrrrrrl. What’s with your husband in the store buying another woman shoes? Baby, you’re in the wrong business at this point in time of your life. You need to step aside and let The Bea ride this gravy train, okay? To the left, girlfriend. Had I known hubby enjoyed shoe shopping, I’d have emailed him my shoe and dress size, because I know he outfitted that woman. Though, shopping is all he can do for me, alright? I do not want you coming at me, Mrs. Wendy. I’m a big girl but you’re even bigger. Matter of fact, I take back what I said. Forget I mentioned any of this, okay?

Well people, I shall not keep you any longer because you’re getting no younger, unlike myself, alright? Besides, I have a continuation dream to conclude of Johnny. Ahhhhh…

 

Keeping You In the Know,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

Where, Oh Where, Has Halle’s Man Gone?

Beatrice's Diva's Wall © Totsymae 2014

Beatrice’s Diva Wall © Totsymae 2014

Bonjour, lovelies. If you’re not enjoying spring, have a fling with life. Get off the couch, being a slouch and live. I realize I’ve a lot to say but that’s my job. Volunteer or otherwise, I take blowing hot air into the universe very seriously. Amen. Where, oh where is a good piece of gossip when you need it? Just call 1-800-The-Bea, alright?

What am I juiced up with this fine day? Halle. There’s only one and girl, you know I’d have to get around to you sooner and not too much later. Look Halle Baby, I mean Berry, what exactly is going on with you? I’m beginning to believe, exterior beauty aside, something is deeply and darkly wrong with your not being able to keep a man. They are fleeing all over the place. I’m not making fun. Not at all. My utmost concern is for the children. If you need to call me, I’ll install a therapeutic line specifically for you, girlfriend. It’s all good because I’ll accept PayPal and Bill Me Later, alright? I’m all about making it convenient to collect that ching, ching. Don’t get it twisted. High five…

And no, Barbara Walters, I didn’t forget about you either. You’re the priestess of journalism but I have to say, we, the public, are so okay with you leaving. We won’t cry. I’m not sure why you felt the need to announce your retirement a year early. Who does that? We don’t care as much as you think but we’ve enjoyed you. Yay, yay. Congratulations but bye, girl. I’m gunning for your seat on The View. Speaking of the show, Jenny, are you trying to look studious with those glasses? Get the contacts, girl. You’re doing too much. While you may be smart, we really don’t care. If you were covering the evening news, I’d give you a pass but being on The View, I feel it’s necessary to stop you at the door, okay?

Siiiiiigh. I’m out of breath and bursting at the seams, people. I mean, literally. This dress I purchased from Target is smaller than I thought. After eating two Dunkin Donuts, that is. I do declare, what’s a girl to wear to look fashionable these days. I could install a third line to call myself at 1-800-Too-Fine-To-Fit but I’m real okay with that. You feel me? And so, I shall leave you with that sexy image of me in your head because enough has been said, alright?

 

So Utterly Delicious,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

Wherefore Art the Romeos?

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Don’t laugh, people. But you do realize I’m on my way to being the next Hollywood It girl. Joining the circus was and has never been a part of the game plan. People, I’m currently on the road with Barnum and Bailey. AND. I’M. NOT. FEELING. THIS. If the air keeps blowing the scent of elephant dung in my direction, I swear on my Louis Vuitton handbag, I’m going to strangle myself. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows the trouble I’ve seen. This is what happens when you acquisition an agent from Craig’s List, okay? People, I was stuck like Chuck walking across that tightrope. Neither Denzel nor Patrick Dempsey were there to catch me if I fell. Where, oh where, is a strong, fine man to wrap his arms around you when you need one?

I think Katy Perry asks herself that question a lot. Now, why she pulled John Mayer  and that ex of hers from the bottom of the Hollywood barrel, I haven’t figured out, other than the fact that she’s not man-smart. Katy, if you’d close your eyes just a tad, because you always look really surprised to me, I think you’d pick better. Stop going for men you have to fix, honey. I know you’ve got religion you grew up with but you’re beating dead horses, sweetie and you don’t want murder charges on your record. Let them GO. Matter of fact, give yourself time to air out. Don’t be like Jennifer Lopez. Let’s call her J. Lay because you can always count on something to be up and….Let’s leave it at that. Forgive me, I’m a Christian woman, people. The line is oh so delicately thin in this line of work.

And poor Jennifer. Aniston, that is. First, we hear it’s off and now, the wedding’s back on. Let us all bow our heads in prayer for Jennifer replacing Brad this June with a new hubby. It’s been a rough and rocky road for you, girlfriend. The struggle is so real, isn’t it? Ahem, cough…Let the bloggers say Amen, Amen and Aaaaaaamen. That ought to seal the deal for you, girlfriend. That’s how we do it down south, okay?

Well, to all you manless women, stay strong. Raise your fist but I tell you this, you’d better have a clean shave under there, alright? Life is short and made even shorter when you settle for anything. And that’s my belated womanly advice for you to conclude this celebration of Women’s History Month. And so, verily verily I say unto you people, The Bea is oh, so fabulous, even in a size plus, okay? Snap, snap baby. I’m out.

Divalisciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

It’s the Best of Times, It’s the Worst of Times

cropped-beatrice-banner.jpg

Hello, Lovelies. I’m beside myself and not because I put on 10 pounds hanging out with Francisco, Francois or whatever his name was. You see, on my way from Jamaica, I swung by Brazil and not by a tree limb, okay? Though, it may as well have been because the seat was so cheap, it was one bumpy ride, people. You don’t want to know what I had to go through to get that seat or what I went through to keep it. Trust moi, Francois will be hearing from my TV lawyer as soon as I dial this 1-800 number.

As you can see, I’m not wearing black to pay tribute to the end of Robin Thicke’s marriage. And I’m not here to joke about this separation. I say separation because they could reunite. I hope so but we know how separations go in Hollywood, don’t we? I’m not sure what disintegrated that relationship but Hollywood is ripe soil for the breakdown of marriages. It’s really sad. So much plastic flesh to be had, you just can’t settle on one tush or bush, alright?  In some cases, marriages do survive. They really do. Clap, clap. 

Gabrielle, as in Union, I really am enjoying Being Mary JaneAfter all these years, you’ve proven to me that you can act. Now, I understand from a reliable source the show’s not doing well, which surprises me. Anything that sustains my attention is usually a hit because I’m one chick on the move, alright? I do hope the show returns for a second season and was glad you decided against turkey basting that stolen sperm. Plus, you’ve got that pre-nup you insist on signing with Dwayne Wade, which I don’t think to be a smart move if you don’t show up after this season. Marriages tend to tense up when one spouse isn’t working, even in Hollywood, okay? Anyway, rah rah to your breakthrough role, as far as I’m concerned. You’re still pretty to me, girlfriend. Just thought I’d throw that in.  Ahem.

Before I depart and leave you drenched in tears, I want to announce that I’m starring in a new comic series here on the blog this summer. Naturally, I’m excited that Totsy’s seen the light of my acting abilities. While she’s run into a creative speed bump, we know this series will start the first day of summer, for 8 weeks. Once a week, that is. Look out for the comic book trailer in the coming weeks. The fall line-up brings you Totsymae Presents, premiering 5 shows. In the meantime, enjoy the best and worst of Hollywood, with me, Beatrice from Apartment 7B. Propping feet on coffee table while dipping Oreo cookie in milk.

The Problem with Not Nipping It in the Bud

Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Watercolor on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Folks, maybe you couldn’t rightly tell but I’m from the south. That simply means that I’m genteel, polite and I, occasionally, display a smile at the absurd.

I said all that to say this. I think I’ve generated myself a slight problem of sorts, on account of being so southernly nice. There’s this woman who finds me so interesting, I reckon. she’s always trying to be up and inside of my business. Look, I’m just regular, plain ole ordinary folk much like yourself, so I haven’t quite figured out why she needs to know the whys and whatnots of me taking a day off. I don’t be off much at all in the first place but it seems she feels the need to know the details of my absence.

Instead of me saying, “If you don’t get your life, I’m gonna carve you a new one,” I figured with her being so smart, being a problem-solver and all, she’d take the social cue of me staring at her without so much as a blink, and go on ’bout her nosey business. But nooooo. She stares, waiting for a response as if she’s the check signer.

Now, why I’m off has no affect on what she’s gotta do. What I absolutely loathe is folk wanting to know the whys and whats on account of being a no count busy body. They have no use for the information other than wanting to know. I was thinking to put out my business in the form of a magazine and have her subscribe for $500 a month. That way we’ll both know if what I have going on is valuable enough for her to pay for. I’d be required to disclose every why and whatnot, in that case. Maybe we could even do lunch and I’d talk about myself in the third person, saying stuff like, “She didn’t come to work ’cause her jeans  were so tight, she couldn’t walk,” or “She hurt herself twerking at a Miley Cyrus concert.  Pulled a hamstring like you wouldn’t believe.” 

How do you gently keep folk outta your business? Or is gentle not a term you’d use to describe how you go about it?

Making the Cut

makingthe cut

It’s Grammy time, people and I am in the mix. As is such, I’m going Dutch, though I do plan on snatching up a single and available tux in the crowd, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, one artist who won’t be in attendance is Justin Bieber. He’s dealing with legal and emotional issues at present. No, we do not want him driving anywhere. What I would like to see, Justin, is you enrolled in How to Be A Human Being without Money Whose Got Some Sense 101. Yes, I know you’re young and rich but this does not justify or excuse your behavior. You are putting lives other than your own at risk and any person who’s not so self-absorbed as you are knows this. Please, get a grip and stop acting as if the world owes you something. Pay for the help you need, so I can scandalize other people in Hollywood, okay?

Jennifer, as in Aniston, when is the wedding, darling?  The nation wants America’s sweetheart to tie the knot. I read that Fiance dumped you and then I recently read that you two secretly married. I don’t think you did and I need you to do me the favor of making the nuptials public in a massive way, so the rag papers will stop making you appear so fractured since your divorce from Brad. Aren’t you simply tired of the stories? You’re becoming more famous for the divorce than for your acting abilities. I just don’t hear much about this skillset you’re supposed to have.

Well people, the cameras are flashing and I need to sashay down the red carpet in this svelte red and purple number that I can barely breathe in. The work it takes to be fabulous can be as painful as it is costly. Stay or get beautiful, whichever is applicable to you, okay? I’ll see you at the after party…Oh, you weren’t invited. Pooh!

Always fabulous,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Ring, Ring…It’s Beatrice from Apartment 7B, People

beatrice on phone

“Beatrice in Action” Color pencil on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Thank you so much for holding while I finished that phone call. When you’re in hot demand, like myself, you simply have to tell people no sometimes. Denzel, and I won’t say his last name, can be so annoying sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still fine and fabulous but so am I, okay?…At least he sounded like the real thing but never mind that. I’m not in the business of discrediting how fabulous I am.

It is absolutely freezing here in the ATL, people. The wind is blowing so hard, it’s almost as fierce as I am. As I stepped a stiletto onto the foyer to get out of the elements, Denzel rang me up as if he’s familiar. As he should be but anyway, he called, wanted to swing by as if I’m some holler back girl. Naturally, I said no because I’m only a last minute kind of girl when I’m doing the dropping in, okay?

Anyway, it’s come to my understanding that Porscha, from the Real Housewives, is getting the boot after two seasons. I’m so happy for the people who watch that show to see you go, Porscha. Now, that you’re divorced, is your last name changing to Ditz, because you don’t know too much about anything. What school graduated you, hon? And not to offend blonds but Porscha darling, were you that black chick meeting the quota to attend Dumb Blond University? I mean, really! You’ve not only set education back to a time where black people couldn’t be formally educated in America, you have our ancestors rolling over and questioning if their struggle was for naught. Maybe that’s why it’s so cold outside. Yes, I’m going to blame you for my well-pedicured toes still unthawing after 15 minutes of being in the house.

People, I’m done here. Have a look for yourself. I’m going to get with my people and see if I can track down this woman’s number because I owe her a slap. Stay beautiful. I know I will.

Forever yours and Denzel’s,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B