Freshly Fabulous

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Good day, people. I’m here on the beach because I had a photo shoot, which I wanted to share. While some of you are working, and do count your blessings that you’re able, I’m going to enjoy kicking up sand for you and me, okay? I don’t mind at all. Anything leisure I can do on your behalf, put it in the comment box below.

After leaving the beach, I have a shopping appointment with my stylist. That would be Totsy (rolling eyes). My agent, you know, the one I got off Craig’s List, has booked me for an audition on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am way past prepared to act a fool. You hear me? I’d be a Real Housewife any day than be Tori Spelling.

Tori, you’re going through some really awful stuff! I feel sorry for you and I NEVER feel sorry for rich people. Girl, you are so miserable in your marriage. In your life. However will you resolve this? I hope that show you and Jenny Garth have coming this summer is a success. That would be a good distraction for you. You NEED a distraction. Plus, I really like Jenny. Now, what I’d like to ask, Tori, because I’m quite perplexed…That time you were being filmed by the paparazzi and you were yelling for them to get the cameras off of you, what’s up with that? Can you spell reality show?

Yes, Dean cheated on you. It happens to a lot of women, girl. You, unfortunately, weren’t exempt from a husband’s infidelity. Now, my sources tell me the two of you got together while he was married to his former wife, which confuses me even more. What went around recycled back to you. Stop it with all of this devastation on the TV screen. What I feel sorry for is that you don’t get what I get and I don’t think you ever will.

Verily, verily I say unto you, people, don’t give what you can’t take. As always, I have enjoyed our visitation but I must, as we say in the south, get the mule out of the corn. While I look ravishing in this swimwear, it is crawling into some undesirable places all on its own, okay?

 

Divaliciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ring, Ring…It’s Beatrice from Apartment 7B, People

beatrice on phone

“Beatrice in Action” Color pencil on paper. Copyright 2014 Totsymae

Thank you so much for holding while I finished that phone call. When you’re in hot demand, like myself, you simply have to tell people no sometimes. Denzel, and I won’t say his last name, can be so annoying sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still fine and fabulous but so am I, okay?…At least he sounded like the real thing but never mind that. I’m not in the business of discrediting how fabulous I am.

It is absolutely freezing here in the ATL, people. The wind is blowing so hard, it’s almost as fierce as I am. As I stepped a stiletto onto the foyer to get out of the elements, Denzel rang me up as if he’s familiar. As he should be but anyway, he called, wanted to swing by as if I’m some holler back girl. Naturally, I said no because I’m only a last minute kind of girl when I’m doing the dropping in, okay?

Anyway, it’s come to my understanding that Porscha, from the Real Housewives, is getting the boot after two seasons. I’m so happy for the people who watch that show to see you go, Porscha. Now, that you’re divorced, is your last name changing to Ditz, because you don’t know too much about anything. What school graduated you, hon? And not to offend blonds but Porscha darling, were you that black chick meeting the quota to attend Dumb Blond University? I mean, really! You’ve not only set education back to a time where black people couldn’t be formally educated in America, you have our ancestors rolling over and questioning if their struggle was for naught. Maybe that’s why it’s so cold outside. Yes, I’m going to blame you for my well-pedicured toes still unthawing after 15 minutes of being in the house.

People, I’m done here. Have a look for yourself. I’m going to get with my people and see if I can track down this woman’s number because I owe her a slap. Stay beautiful. I know I will.

Forever yours and Denzel’s,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B

Life in the Crazy Lane

"Looky Looky" Digtial Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

“Looky Looky” Digtial Art / Copyright 2013 Totsymae

I have absolutely no idea how to keep up with you folk anymore. Why, with The Real Housewives of Atlanta back on the air, me nosing around in this and that and every other whatnot I’m into these days, blogging is the furthest thing from my mind. I do want to share half of a story with you. I do, folks, have to exercise some level of discretion since acquiring this position with the FBI, trying to investigate what in the heck’s going on with Obamacare.

So, as the story goes, I had a texting stalker about a week ago. That joker was texting so fast, I could hardly get a word in. Scared the living poop outta me when one day I came home and heard some walking around up my stairs. At the time I’m hearing all this foot-walking, I’m hungry as all get out and had to stop mid-bite ’cause I’m thinking this nut’s been rambling in my paperwork. Seeing that everything was intact, what else could it possibly be, right?

So, I stay halfway focused on eating and still hearing footsteps. Call me crazy, foolish or what have you but I couldn’t fight this fool on an empty stomach. I had to get my strength up, folks. I kept my right eye on the patio door and my left one toward the den area while stuffing my mouth in case I had to make a run but I be darn if I wasn’t closer to the fridge than I was to the door. Now that I think about it, I don’t even think what I was eating was worth losing my life for but being the risk-taker I am, I kept right on eating some leftover whatnot.

Next thing I know, my daughter’s friend comes down and my eye sockets got so big, I thought my eyeballs would roll right to the floor. By this time, I’m chewing but it ain’t all that good, being that I’m scared for my life. Now, I can truly understand why them folk get killed 15 minutes into a movie. I mean, really. The choices folk make.  Though, I’m real happy I lived to tell you about this. Maybe one day, I’ll fill you in on the rest of the story.

The Reality of the Situation

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

I’m not sure about you but I miss me being here. Totsy is a character that I’m rather stuck with, unfortunately. Therefore, when she mentioned the possibility of sinking this ship, I was not a happy camper. Who can I dish the Hollywood dirt to otherwise?

Though, I regret to inform you that I don’t have much juice to spill your way at present. The thing of it is, I thought I was well on my way to getting my own reality show but this guy I met sunk that boat as soon as it unanchored. There are truly some money snatchers in the world and I must get out of their midst.

Now, I did have a rare opportunity to speak with the porn-turned-reality-diva herself. Kim, as in Kardashian, okay? We could’ve been best buddies and sleeping together had I been a black guy but, well, I don’t know. Maybe if Kanye had told her to sleep with me, and I wasn’t a straight woman of the Lord, I would have. I mean, everybody’s doing everything now, so there you go.

People, I am aware that Kimmy may not be well received here, as some of you aren’t into the reality scene as I am. I, however, must be in the know regarding all things Hollywood and sometimes, in the hood, if that’s where the action is, okay?

I do want to turn your attention to a new show called Married to Medicine and if you catch a glimpse of this show, I do believe you will conclude as I have, that these doctors are married to mess. Let’s be really real about that. And now that I’m getting into my gossip groove, I need to put it out there that Kenya, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, is truly psychotic to the 3rd, no, the 5th power.

KimK

Photo Enhancement by Totsymae 2013

Kenya, Apollo was never trying to sleep with you, Girlfriend. He was trying to get with me. And so was Peter. And Greg. And Todd. And the guy you called gay because he wouldn’t sleep with you…Well, he’s my man now and he can tow my truck anytime, okay?

And Portia. Dear darling, Portia. I felt so embarassed for you tonight. I thought you would never find the period to end your rambling. I so thought that long speech of yours should’ve been directed toward your husband, who IS controlling and I’m sure if he’d seen me, as the other fellas, he woud’ve been trying to sleep with me too.

Two snaps and a bag of popcorn, people. Beatrice is back!

Too Legit to Quit

Rosie, O’Donnell that is, is like The Terminator, people. She won’t quit and she’s back on the air with a new talk show, co-hosting with NeNe, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I hope she doesn’t screw it up this time. Not that I’m crazy about you Rosie but you’re okay in a way like dessert. You’re good until I can no longer snap my pants together. In other words, you can be too much sometimes but I’m tuning in to see who you’re ranting on.

Today, she and NeNe were hosting Anderson Cooper’s show since he’s in the middle east, and made the big announcement. I’m not one to be in people’s business, no more than my job as a National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent (NHGC) allows me to be but I’m a tad curious about what happened with Oprah and Rosie. I’ve gotten word on the street but I want to hear it from one of the horses mouths. Know what I mean? We won’t harp on that sour note, however.

I do want you to boycott that reality show with Bobbie Christina and her aunt. I’m so off-put with it, I won’t even put a link here. I can’t recall the name of it exactly. Something about being on their own. A few weeks ago, I caught snatches of it and that aunt…Whitney’s manager and sister-in-law, is a slithering snake. Do you realize they were filming for that show three months after Whitney was laid to rest? And she, the aunt, has the audacity to say Bobbie Christina is still grieving and she’s concerned. Oh, really?

Now, you know Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber broke up, right? As if we were really expecting to see her walking with a train down the aisle. I mean, really. Very few relationships last in Hollywood, or on Main Street, for that matter. But it is official that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together. They are in love, people. You can’t fight love, is all I’ll say on that but we’ll see.

And people, did you see Hammer get his groove on at 50 ontstage? He’s been through a financial war zone and is still too legit to quit.

That’s a wrap, people. I’m online shopping for my dress to wear to Jennifer Aniston’s wedding. I do believe that marriage will last and am ever so happy for her. I don’t have a wedding date set for the Bradgelinas. They keep toying with the media about marriage but as it stands to date, they’re still shacking up.

Love,

Beatrice from Apt 7B