International Church of Bey(once)

Google Image

Google Image

This is Totsy, reporting the evening news. And this is a hot mess off the press, folks. I need you to sit down and put your feet up for this.

Over the weekend, I learned there’s a church down here that worships Beyonce. So far, only 203 women folk have joined. No men yet but if somebody can think of such foolishness, then a man may wind up giving his life over to Beyonce too. Should you men folk decide to uproot and head thisaway to join up, you will have to give up your manhood. I don’t know what all that entails and being a news reporter, I can’t tell you which way to think. I reckon that means wearing a Single Ladies’ outfit with heels and shooting videos. I don’t rightly know, so I’ll leave it up to you to ask. I also recognize some men folk wouldn’t mind this sorta thing atall, so go for what you know or don’t.

Now, should you decide on confessing your love for Divine Diva Bey, as she’s called in this church, your denomination is Beyism, not Foolishism or Crapism, okay? You’re just as legitimate as Scientology, I reckon and I ain’t judging. This is as real as toe jam. Check the link out for yourself.

Thank you for tuning in to the ridiculousness I find myself reporting to you today. I just thought you should know if your soul is on the lost-and-don’t-know-if-it’s-gonna-be-found side. Know that your restless spirit has a place at the International Church of Foolery, I mean, Beyonce.

 

Wherefore Art the Romeos?

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Beatrice Goes Hollywood. Copyright 2013 Totsymae

Don’t laugh, people. But you do realize I’m on my way to being the next Hollywood It girl. Joining the circus was and has never been a part of the game plan. People, I’m currently on the road with Barnum and Bailey. AND. I’M. NOT. FEELING. THIS. If the air keeps blowing the scent of elephant dung in my direction, I swear on my Louis Vuitton handbag, I’m going to strangle myself. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, knows the trouble I’ve seen. This is what happens when you acquisition an agent from Craig’s List, okay? People, I was stuck like Chuck walking across that tightrope. Neither Denzel nor Patrick Dempsey were there to catch me if I fell. Where, oh where, is a strong, fine man to wrap his arms around you when you need one?

I think Katy Perry asks herself that question a lot. Now, why she pulled John Mayer  and that ex of hers from the bottom of the Hollywood barrel, I haven’t figured out, other than the fact that she’s not man-smart. Katy, if you’d close your eyes just a tad, because you always look really surprised to me, I think you’d pick better. Stop going for men you have to fix, honey. I know you’ve got religion you grew up with but you’re beating dead horses, sweetie and you don’t want murder charges on your record. Let them GO. Matter of fact, give yourself time to air out. Don’t be like Jennifer Lopez. Let’s call her J. Lay because you can always count on something to be up and….Let’s leave it at that. Forgive me, I’m a Christian woman, people. The line is oh so delicately thin in this line of work.

And poor Jennifer. Aniston, that is. First, we hear it’s off and now, the wedding’s back on. Let us all bow our heads in prayer for Jennifer replacing Brad this June with a new hubby. It’s been a rough and rocky road for you, girlfriend. The struggle is so real, isn’t it? Ahem, cough…Let the bloggers say Amen, Amen and Aaaaaaamen. That ought to seal the deal for you, girlfriend. That’s how we do it down south, okay?

Well, to all you manless women, stay strong. Raise your fist but I tell you this, you’d better have a clean shave under there, alright? Life is short and made even shorter when you settle for anything. And that’s my belated womanly advice for you to conclude this celebration of Women’s History Month. And so, verily verily I say unto you people, The Bea is oh, so fabulous, even in a size plus, okay? Snap, snap baby. I’m out.

Divalisciously Yours,

Beatrice from Apartment 7B