To read in full, visit O Totsy!
To read in full, visit O Totsy!
Good Sunday, people. My, oh my, have I missed spilling the juice with you. I just stepped out of my Sunday’s best after a good hallelujah at church. I was there praying for a healing of sort to cease this special column I do on Totsy’s blog but the Word came to me to simply be myself and use my gift for gab. You feel me, people? The Bea is back and I could absolutely smack myself for wasting that prayer. Anywho…
I spent last weekend with Mariah Carey, the diva herself, and I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I was. I ended up leaving her and looks like Nick has too. Or well, maybe she put on a stiletto and kicked him out. Who knows, really. I say ouch to the latter and to the former, Nick is about to start living with a little excitement. He’s such a big kid anyway. Don’t be surprised if you see a tall, black gentleman at Mickey D’s in that big play pin, rolling and tumbling with those balls your kids love so much. Don’t worry. He’s not a pedophile. It’s just Nick living out the childhood he missed after being married to Mama Carey.
Summer is drawing to a close and I’ve searched the highways and byways but still, no sign of a Jennifer Aniston wedding. Just so you know, Jen, you are in my prayers, girl. Word has come down from Brad Pitt’s psychic that he’s still in love with you. If the feeling is mutual, don’t even think about it. Please. All those kids and community property between Angie and Brad, there’s no way he could spread enough love your way for the headache you’re guaranteed to have. If Justin doesn’t make an honest woman of you, I’ll extend an invite to my church. Now, the deacon is on the short and fairly stubby side but he’s an established man with a big heart. Come on down, girlfriend. I’m all about the hook-up.
I understand Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have called off their three-year relationship. In all honesty Meg, I didn’t know you were seeing anybody. You kind of fell off the map when you divorced but that’s not uncommon for divorced women. I’ve tried to figure out what drew you two together in the first place and I can only conclude it was that unkempt way you both have. Maybe you got tired of him not picking up after himself or vice versa. I tell you what, call Jennifer and maybe you all can get a 2 for 1 flight through my church so you can find some good men down south, girl. Deacon Ball plays the tambourine, drums and fiddles on his porch at night. Such a talented man, I figure a woman like yourself could appreciate such skills.
Well dear people, that’s the juice for this fine day. I’m going to enjoy this late evening sun and Skype Francois at sundown. He’s so high maintenance, missing the Bea. He cries in French even. Until next time, peace to the wretched. Walk in love while keeping your ear out for the juice, people.
Forever and Truly Yours,
Folks, today, I’m gonna report the news on what’s happening down south. Picture this. Me on your TV screen talking just like this, reporting the 6:00 news…
On Monday, a man was all broken up ’cause his woman left him. His time had expired in her life and she was moving down a different road without him. He wasn’t doing right and she wasn’t having it, more than likely. Folks, he was too through about this. I mean he was so through, he put it in his mind to follow her to the mall and have it out with her. Oh yeah, he was gonna cut the fool like he’d never done before, you hear me?
Well, she’d just done her shopping and what have you and heading to her car. His no count self approached her and got to yelling and whatnot. Just raising all kindsa hell. Folks were looking all around and next thing you know, a POW POW POW shot into the air and landed in that woman’s body. It was an awful sight, witnesses say, but all they could do was call 911.
This fool-cutter, we’ll now call him, who did the shooting, left like not a darn thing had ever happened. Got in his ride and drove away like any other day. You hear me?
To conclude this unfortunate story, the woman fought real hard but not too long ’cause she passed on yesterday. I’m real sure she left loved ones behind. And it so happens this fella did too. You see, he went to an even darker place inside himself. Had all them swirling emotions riding his tail and it was all, way too much. He drove to a spot, where nobody was around to intercept ending his life in peace. Now, folks wanna know why he didn’t do that before he shot that woman. And folk ponder that every time a story like this happens, which happens real often, you know.
True story, folks. Happened the other day.
Folks, I’m so glad Monday is just about over. Though, I don’t wanna veer off topic today. I know I tend to talk a good deal of nonsense before I start making a little sense ’cause I got lotsa whatnot topics on my mind…See what I mean?
Anyhow, I was watching Dr. Phil last week, as I do every week, ’cause you get to know all kindsa folk in the world and how they function. Well, as you can see from the title of this here post, I do believe I should get into the catfishing business. You know, putting up random photos and saying I’m Russian or some other nonsense. I mean, folk tend to believe nonsense and this catfishing seems to be a lucrative business without a business plan. Besides, I hate paperwork and I’ve always wanted to be in business for myself.
What convinced me were these two women folk wiring money to these fellas who said they were overseas. One woman wired over $60,000. Why, I thought that was mighty generous of her and said to myself that maybe she wouldn’t mind sending me a chunka change. I don’t know how deep her pockets are but I’m willing to find out. I’d just have to get myself a makeover and practice a deep voice ’cause I have a real sweet southern type voice, in case you didn’t know. (wink, wink)
Anyhow, I don’t think I could get any guys to do sucha thing. They’re too stingy and only ones without their front molars would be willing to dig up that kinda cash. Although I’m not sure why since they’d need to get those teeth replaced. Women are much more desperate, despite them being feminists and whatnot. Plus, women need to feel needed and being that they’re natural nurturers, they’d be more than happy to subsidize me a trip to the islands or a new wardrobe or paying off my house or basically, whatever I desire with the right approach. I’ll see you folks later. I’m off to get my hustle on.
It just seemed so unfair to group men folk all together on account of one fella not knowing how to fix a vacuum cleaner. But I have to tell you how strange that was ’cause that was a head-scratcher there. I don’t know what sorta raising he got not knowing how to fix a simple machine as that. In other words, a man should enroll in vacuum repair school or something of the sort. I’m starting to wonder if he knows how to use a can opener. I mean, really!
It’s not that I think all men are mechanically inclined. I can spot a man who don’t like getting his hands dirty and that’s real fine if he has money to pay to get what’s broken fixed. I mean, who wants to hear, “Wait ’til I get my money right,” when the car’s sitting on bricks in the driveway? Those are some very unsexy words, fellas. Take those words to your grave, okay?
Now men folk, based on experience, I know women can be unreasonable. We don’t tell you we’re still mad from last year but to be fair, y’all do some real dumb stuff over and over and we get real tired of telling you the same thing. Y’all know good and well you don’t need to keep telling us not to overspend ’cause that’s kinda hard once the adrenaline gets going and we see other women folk with more shopping bags than us. We have to look like we’ve got it going on to some extent, okay? Long as you’re paying the mortgage, you’ll get over it.
One last thing, men folk. You don’t have to make heaps of money. It sure would be nice but all of you don’t come packaged that way. Women fully understand that.
Men folk, it’s not that you have to have the best job but have A job. If you ain’t getting ample pay, ain’t nothing wrong with filling out an application for a second source of income. Take it to your woman, she’ll fill the thing out for you even. That’s what I call a supportive woman, okay?
Rosie, O’Donnell that is, is like The Terminator, people. She won’t quit and she’s back on the air with a new talk show, co-hosting with NeNe, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I hope she doesn’t screw it up this time. Not that I’m crazy about you Rosie but you’re okay in a way like dessert. You’re good until I can no longer snap my pants together. In other words, you can be too much sometimes but I’m tuning in to see who you’re ranting on.
Today, she and NeNe were hosting Anderson Cooper’s show since he’s in the middle east, and made the big announcement. I’m not one to be in people’s business, no more than my job as a National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent (NHGC) allows me to be but I’m a tad curious about what happened with Oprah and Rosie. I’ve gotten word on the street but I want to hear it from one of the horses mouths. Know what I mean? We won’t harp on that sour note, however.
I do want you to boycott that reality show with Bobbie Christina and her aunt. I’m so off-put with it, I won’t even put a link here. I can’t recall the name of it exactly. Something about being on their own. A few weeks ago, I caught snatches of it and that aunt…Whitney’s manager and sister-in-law, is a slithering snake. Do you realize they were filming for that show three months after Whitney was laid to rest? And she, the aunt, has the audacity to say Bobbie Christina is still grieving and she’s concerned. Oh, really?
Now, you know Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber broke up, right? As if we were really expecting to see her walking with a train down the aisle. I mean, really. Very few relationships last in Hollywood, or on Main Street, for that matter. But it is official that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together. They are in love, people. You can’t fight love, is all I’ll say on that but we’ll see.
And people, did you see Hammer get his groove on at 50 ontstage? He’s been through a financial war zone and is still too legit to quit.
That’s a wrap, people. I’m online shopping for my dress to wear to Jennifer Aniston’s wedding. I do believe that marriage will last and am ever so happy for her. I don’t have a wedding date set for the Bradgelinas. They keep toying with the media about marriage but as it stands to date, they’re still shacking up.
Beatrice from Apt 7B
In this life, you must be about the business of performing the work you were called upon to do. To be involved in anything else is time wasted. While I serve as your National Hollywood Gossip Correspondent, well, until my International License is approved, I’m also the Relationship Police. Since that says it all, I want to head right into my subjects for the day, people.
First of all, I’m truly sorry The Voice, which was Whitney Houston, has left us. I rooted for her comeback, because really, why would I not? Why would I have wanted to see her remain on a downward spiral and poke fun or play self-righteous? All of us have our demons. We all fall down but not as publicly, outside of my little mishap yesterday. Though, anyway…
I want to address you today, Little Bobbi Christina. I know you don’t know me but I’m very well aware of you. And your mother’s manager, who was surely “managing” alright. She’s the one who took the photo of your lovely mother as she lay for her last viewing. It was during the private viewing that this photo op took place, which then went on to the gossip rags. I know she’s family but she’s lowdown and dirty for what she did. Though. the bigger matter is this little relationship you’re carrying on, Little Bobbi.
You’re still a babe and need to hop a plane to Jersey to be with your grandmother. Sweetie, you don’t need to be down here in Georgia living and engaged to that young man. He’s been living as your brother and it should remain as such. I caught the interview you had with Oprah. I’m truly at peace that you’re at peace with your mother passing. That’s healthy because I know initially, it wasn’t. But Baby, what isn’t healthy is you parading all over town, hugging and sporting this 2-pound diamond. I want you to know, I’m carrying a good stock of switches should I happen upon you at some point. Both you and the boy will feel the wrath of the Lord should I be fortunate in meeting your acquaintance. As a matter of fact, I’ve been hanging out at Lenox Square Mall hoping we’d bump into one another. Enough said, Baby Girl. (Now braiding the switches)
And Ariana, as for the Jolies or Brads getting engaged? Well honey, all I can say is that’s more attention for the Leg Woman.
Angelina, well Sweetie, I’ve never been particularly crazy about you or your acting abilities but do your thing, if that’s what you feel is your gift to the world. Whatever. I’m just not into female action heroes, that’s all. Brad, I do want you to clean up for this wedding. Don’t let Angelina have you waiting for her at the end of the wedding aisle barefoot and wearing cutoff jeans, with your beard braided up and beads dangling from it. I can see this so clearly and I so wish I didn’t. Honey, your mother raised you better than that. I know it’s challenging to be weird in Hollywood but be yourself and smell good at least. You don’t look like you smell too well, Baby. Other than that, I’m most appreciative of what you do. Oh, and should these nuptials actually take place, check your woman for those side splits to ensure we’re not flashed with another leg. As my good friend Totsy would say, “That’s ridamndiculous.”
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